Alas, I'm living in a grown up wold

I can’t sleep, it’s 2am and I've given in, got up and came here with the perfectly good excuse that I had decided to start writing in here again...just write, like some sort of journal...The “I can’t sleep part” happens rarely, I am usually so tired that I don’t have a problem sleeping...always around midnight, I can’t do it before!, but after this 3 weeks vacation and one week of sleeping in every day and one liter of Pepsi (which I love, but drink maybe once every 3 months or so) here I am…Oh well, maybe I’m also hiding some facts here, like maybe I can’t sleep because of some thoughts but hey, you can’t expect me to be quite open on my first entry after the prolonged pause of journaling…nor can I promise to ever be able to open up completely, ever, in the cyberspace…but it’s a start, right?


2012 hasn’t started very well, but that’s nothing new to me, disappointments have been part of my life since…a long time, so my defense system can deal with them pretty well. Because, as a very good friend of mine told me once, “Just keep being yourself, don’t change, and if the others can’t keep up…it’s their problem”. Right he is, I only have to work on the “care less” department now and I’m all set.

I received a phone call from a girlfriend around 11pm tonight and we talked for about an hour…about nothing special, just her heart troubles, about why/how come she likes a guy and about why/how come he likes her and about why/how come it’s complicated etc…I was watching “Sex and the City” and it seemed like one those dialogues and I was thinking why in the world do things have to be so complicated all the time? Actually why in the world do people have to complicate things as simple as liking/loving someone? I told her that, since her ego couldn’t allow her to text/call him on futile/teenage grounds…

Oh wait, I know, I’ve got to stop thinking things as a child, and realize grown up world has codes to consider and unwritten laws to follow…When will I ever learn that?

My necessity room

This is me back in 1994. It feels like it was taken ages ago, worlds ago and so many mirrors ago...which have kept intact through the years but have been blackwashed somehow and stored in an attic where I can't seem to be able to reach anymore...Sometimes reflecting flashes show me the way to that attic where all my mirrors found refuge. I never look for that attic even though I'm sure if I tried hard enough I could...because you see that attic is some sort of a Necessity Room, like the one at Hogwards (pour les connoisseurs), all you have to do is really wish to be there and bang! You're there!:)

Lately I have been reminded of things I did and said in the past and even though they're all ME it still feels like they all belong to someone else whom I admire but who's seemingly lost forever...somehwere while working, while trying to become conventional, shallow, boring, polite, a face in the crowd, while trying to fit in, while worrying about money, my job, while shopping, buying mobile phones, losing friends, making friends, loving, getting my heart broken into a million pieces, while moving on and walking on with no apparent time for old or new mirrors for that matter...well, during this so natural and commonest process I've lost my way to that attic...It's definitely time to find it. I've had enough of this mirrorless me.

That's me today, while taking a walk on the beach...Oh yes, I am still around, trying to get out of the hibernation I've been taking refuge in lately...Busy days/weeks/months, mind and soul narrowing towards new horizons/limits...but always feeling the nostalgia of blogging.

It would be long and boring telling you what I have been up to these months since I haven't written one word in here...and beside the point.

Looking forward to my one week break in two weeks' time and looking forward to start finally focusing on my person and my person only, to start investing into the one true thing I've uniquely had for some years now, me.

Why I hate politics...a memory.

Dear dear reader, this is a photo I want to share since I was 8, a great day for any kid of a communist Romania...we were promoted to the title of Pioneers of the country...from the previous one in kindergarten...called the Falcons of the country...Now we were about to be offered the red scarf and become little communists, so proud of this title...The ceremony of investiture was a big deal for all of us, especially because not all the kids in my class were included in the first wave...You had to have high marks and prove yourself to be included in the first wave...So you can realize what a big deal this thing was...and the event was scheduled to take place on a really big ship (because a dad was a marine officer, of course)...I remember a few things about that day...

First of all how much I hated my white stockings...I was itching every second...how much I hated my long skirt and the belt...which was too loose...and how I was wondering when the elder kids would stop singing that stupid song that went like this...”I have my scarf/ I'm a pioneer (x2)/ It's flauting in the wind, as pledge of our promise/ My first promise as a pioneer...”etc, etc...and also...”Ta-ra-ta-taaaaaaaa, the trumpets called! Ta-ra-ta-taaaaaaaaaa, and in one voice we saaaaaaang! We thank the party from the bottom of our hearts!...etc...etc...(I can't remember that one very well)...but I can remember that I thought the party was a person or something...The really cool thing was visiting that huge ship, eating cookies and drinking something that was so very rare...Pepsi!, none of them offered by that Party guy, but by our parents... Oh, and taking pictures...Then in class I became a “row commander”, one of the three, subordinated to the “class commander” who was subordinated to the “brigade commander” and I was wearing a red braid...etc etc etc...

So I guess I'm not being totally honest when I say I've never been involved in politics because I have been...since that day...;)...and have hated it all the way.

Oh, and...in the photo...I am the one on the left. And this is a repost, I wrote this on Janusry 20, 2007. I guess I'll repost things every once in a while...

This week...last week...next week?

It is quite amazing how time flies. I know, this is such a common place, but honestly this year has passed like no other. Maybe because I’ve had more work, same worries, same people in my life, more or less…I start every week well prepared for whatever the new week has to bring but then I find myself breathing on Wednesday evenings thinking it wasn’t that hard, and then it’s Friday morning (when I am usually the happiest, by the way, and when coffee tastes magical when I come here wrapped in my blanket) and then it’s the weekend with me thinking I’ve got so much to do this weekend, generally procrastinating about it till the last minute…oh well, I can still afford it…And oh boy, I can’t complain about being bored cause being a teacher is never boring, even though to some it must seem that way…but since kids grow up under my eyes, their little lives offer my little life so many reasons for excitement…in all respects…

Anyway, I was thinking just now…how could I define my weekdays?

• Monday - uh oh the foreplay of deception
• Tuesday - er...same old...nothing out of the ordinary...
• Wednesday - already? nah, that's too soon...
• Thursday - it's getting warmer all of a sudden...
• Friday - perfect bliss...return to innocence...
• Saturday - sun, cigarettes and serendipity...
• Sunday - how soft these pillows are...;)

Can you say I'm ranting? Really? Where did you get this from?;)

I should start taking my own advice...

...and some time real soon too...Last week my mother's best friend was so very upset over something someone had done and which had nothing to do with her but because that person was a relative of hers she felt guilty and at the same time humiliated by the whole thing. I was there when she told us the whole story and tried to make her feel better. All I said to her is that she shouldn't feel that way for something she didn't do, for someone else's attitude and actions because the only one getting hurt is her and her alone.

I'd really should start listening to my own piece of advice cause I'm the same way, blaming myself for things that I didn't do, for other's people behaviours that have nothing to do with who I am, but only with whom they are.
Does this mean that I should stop caring or that simply I should learn to dettach myself in order to skip the hurting part? Either way, I'm on the good path I think.

And I surely hope it's going to work.

Teach! Teach! I've done my homework! (January 30, 2008)

Fill in the blanks:

Friendship - Write similies to describe what friendship is like

Friendship looks like....a tree.
Friendship feels like....wood.
Friendship tastes like....Merlot.
Friendship sounds like...a piano playing.
Friendship smells like....the sea.

Favourite Things - Write what your favourite things are. In one sentence aim to be detailed and imaginative.

My favourite taste is...bitter-sweet.
My favourite sight is...the seaside.
My favourite sound is...a river flowing.
My favourite feeling is...love.
My favourite smell is...floral perfume.

About Me - Create an 'I' poem using this format

My name is...Patricia.
Most of my friends call me...Pati.
I am...who I am and it’s not the end of the world.
I have...a cat, a car, many books, an attitude and I....will want always want to have more, I suppose.
I like...the sea, the sun, my cat, my books, ballet, theatre, be unpredictable but
I dont like....lies, manipulative people and here the list could go on and on.
I love ...sleeping, chatting with good friends, writing, kissing but
I dont love...conventional conversations, even though it seems I’m really good at that…
I have...already written what I have…
I don't believe...in the “I can’t” sentence, even though I suspect I often use it when I want to turn smth down politely… but
I do believe....in the “I can try and do it” sentence and really mean it…
I used to think....I am not worth very much but now
I think....quite the opposite.
My favourite...past time is going out with friends, driving, be active but...if they’re not available I enjoy my solitude and really enjoy lazing around.
I listen to...all kinds of music but not all the time.
I watch...movies a lot, some TV, my cat playing but not endlessly.
I read...books I think could interest me but I hate reading the newest best-sellers.
I eat...a lot when I’m hungry but nothing if I’m upset.
I say...things I mean but sometimes things I don’t mean.
I am always...running late but
I am never...actually that late!
I dream...to be in love again.
I look forward to...going to Venice next week-end.
I hope...I can live another 35 years.
I am....so…me…that I can surprise myself all the time.
I.....need to prove myself so many things…still…

Shape of my heart (June 29, 07)

Shape of my heart...

My heart was wide open when I was born, like anyone else's

It didn't want to beat at first, but the care and love of doctor and nurses made it work in a heartbeat
And it stayed that way
expanding and exploring new horizons
'cause this is only natural for a heart to do.
It had no shape.
Or more likely its shape used to change...all the time...from butterfly to cloud
to wind
to fire
to earth
to all those small and great things around
seeking love, demanding love,
offering itself.
Unselfishly.
Then the natural course of life made it withdraw and close.
Its twin heart stopped beating,
'cause that's what hearts do when they're tired.
They rest
for eternity.
My heartbeat carried on, took over,
and my heart finally found a shape:
a pond lily at sunset.
And it was only a perpetual sunset my heart lived for.
It occasionally reopened.
Again and again...
But being a pond lily was so convenient...
And then it was aware that dawn had come for it too.
It opened, streched and perfumed the morning air with its new passion.
And then it expanded...all over...again...
It had no shape again and yet it could take any shape...
...any shape but the pond lily's...
My heart has no shape.
And it's scared

of a new not wanted and not welcome sunset.

7 wishes for yesterday, today, tomorrow (July 7, '07)

Wish I didn't look back
but I do.
Wish I didn't have regrets,
it's not fashionable.
But I do.
Wish I could love less
but I can't.
Wish life had been more fair to me
but this is life.
Wish I could take back things I said without meaning them,
but they were said
and sometimes we stumble into words.
Wish I could fight less and surrender more
but it's not easy to lose battles.
Wish you were here.

The little voice in my head is telling me (May 17, 2007)

This blog entry has been written as a result of an interesting challenge Matriculus set for us, weird sweet people on yahoo360...I actually wrote a blog entry a while ago by the title of "I've killed my little devil", in which I was "describing" the way my little voice works for me. Anyway, just when I thought this topic is dead and done with, it won in Matriculus's poll...ah, I'm not entitled to complain, I voted for it too, so...Problem is...I don't feel very creative right now...so let's just all see what happens...

One thing is certain. Little voices do exist. For real. It's not us, as psychologists want us to believe. Nooo, no, no, no!...They have a life of their own. Mine is pretty much on vacation all the time, getting a tan for all I know or catching flies or something...I guess "THEY" don't pay it enough. Hell, I'd do the same thing if I were IT. So, you see, my little voice has a pretty laid back life...maybe I'll trade with IT...hmm...
But...when IT is needed there's another tiiiiiiny little voice (they come in all shapes and colours, mine is red) that is sent to get into the head of MY little voice and whisper to it (I haven't heard of a yelling little voice yet): "Go get her! Make it a mess this time! You'll even get a raise!"
And then...then, dear readers...disasters, apocalyptical cataclysms happen...I'll always get burnt, scalded, injured...but that's nothing...sometimes I hurt people and hurt myself in the process...and my little voice says "I WAS ONLY MAKING A SUGGESTION..."
So...theoretically...we are the voices in our little voices' heads...I think...What? (Wait, I'm having a conversation with my little voice...back from the Bahamas...)
ADVICE:
1. Don't send the tiiiiiiiiiiny little voice to get YOUR little voice to get you!
2. Don't ever listen to IT, Ignore IT!

Silly acrostic of my name

Paws up front, galloping ahead
Almost by themselves, head in the clouds
Tick-tack of a clock racing like a heart, had it little hands!
Responding, replying, relying, rejoicing, recrying, rejumping…
Instantly creating a balance between paws, gallops, pauses and hands!
Cause what would a P be without an A, T, R, I, C, I, A?
I guess it would be just a P…J
A puzzle to dazzle a B, M or J!